And now a little segment I like to call...
actual crap patients have told me:
patient: "WHY are you cleaning me up?!"
me: "Well, because you pooped. All over your bed."
patient: "...and what does that matter?"
"Hello? Nurse? I've got a problem. These heads keep floating off my bedside table, up to the ceiling, and laughing at me."
"I need you to rub my upper thighs...but it's NOTHING SEXUAL, so DON'T even think of that."
(This is the same patient that hit me the other day. Pleasant man.)
"You forgot to scrub in between my toes."
"Giving birth for me was a truly beautiful and painful experience. Much like how I felt when I watched my father shoot himself in the head."
patient: "Little girl, you are standing in the way of my rights by not letting me worship!"
me: "Sir, your IV pole is not a shrine. You are in the hospital."
patient: rolls his eyes "Prove it."
me: "What a pretty sunset out there..."
patient: "Yes...given to us BY NATURE AND NOT BY SOME GOD."
And lastly, when I was engaged, and hadn't even told this patient I was engaged:
"Ohh mija you will make the most BEAUTIFUL BRIDE! I am so excited for you and your future husband."
Now just try to not be TOO jealous of my job...