19 September 2014

Golden...orrrr not?

I've always looked forward to my golden birthday. I think we all have an age as kids that we look forward to and think "I can't wait to be ___ years old, then I can do ___!" Well mine was 23. By the time I was 23, I was going to have a pink house, two doberman pinschers, a fluffy bathrobe, a husband, and a preggo belly. Seriously, that was my vision. 

23 happens to be my favorite number, and the fact that I would be having my "golden" 23rd birthday on the 23rd always made it even more special. Early this year when we started trying, I started getting excited about turning 23 again. I thought for sure I'd be pregnant by then (now). Then we got the house earlier than we expected and I was like "Could it be...are things actually falling in to place by my golden birthday like I imagined they would?" I even started planning my party in like February and everyone made fun of me for getting excited too early. 

Then I got discouraged about the whole "not pregnant" thing that I kind of lost interest. Now my golden birthday is 4 days away and I don't feel like celebrating. To top it off, I have a bunch of pink and gold party decorations that won't get used... oh and I have an appointment tomorrow (is the weekend BEFORE your birthday or after the official birthday weekend?) with a psychiatrist to see if I'm bipolar or not. My primary physician's money is on yes. Haha! Fun days! 

I didn't intend for this post to be so negative. I was going to end it by saying something positive and happy! But then half way through I decided to write what I actually feel in this moment. And while I am actually surprised at how blessed I have been this past year, I think it's okay for me to admit that I'm sad right now too. Even though I'm not sure sad is the right word...because I'm not sad, I just don't feel like celebrating? Because for the first time, my birthday will be just another day for me, and I think it's ironic that it happens to be the one I've always looked forward to. 

And because I've been going through old pictures like crazy...
23 years on this earth is blowing my mind.



Awww you will have a great birthday! I've felt like that about my birthdays for the past few years now. As I've let the day just happen with something small in mind (dessert, a movie, etc) it always turns out better than I expected :) Happy golden Birthday!

Lex said...

I love how real this post is. I think everyone at times struggles with this exact thing. At least, I know I do. It's hard to have the perfect picture of something in your mind and live with the reality of it not being that way - and it's even harder when it's something you want more than anything. But, with that being said, I know that God's plan is perfect and that He will always direct our lives in the way He needs them to go. It's been challenging for me to accept that certain aspects of my life won't ever be that picture perfect version I had imagined for myself, but I know I've grown more than I could have if I had had my way. I think I'm kinder and more compassionate for it all, and for that I'm grateful.

(I also know that a big bowl of brownies and ice cream can fix things for a few minutes and I take full advantage of that. :))

Okay, sorry to ramble on! Hope your birthday is fabulous and that you feel like a million bucks all day long!

Kendra Klingler said...

HEY!! My golden birthday was 23 too!!! :D

Kimberly said...

Oh sweet girl, I'm sorry you're feeling low. It's so hard, especially when there maybe isn't a fixable reason why. I hope that you get the baby you want soon! You so deserve to be a mom.

Memmy S Wright said...

Don't stress. Just think: being 23 and celebrating your GOLDEN birthday, that's a time you want to make all your own. Who cares if your life isn't exactly what you thought it would be? What if you had a baby; who was up with a cold all night on your birthday and you had to cancel the party? You might as well enjoy what you've looked forward to for so long, because it can still be just as great as you want it to be; as a celebration of how far you've come, and how great you are now (I realize I don't know you, but hey, your blog is fabulous so I'm sure you are too).

I had my golden birthday last year (29) and I made it an absolute blast. Mind you, I was a year into a brand new career path, living far away from the majority of my family and friends. Totally not where I thought I was going to be, in some respects. But I also was with the love of my life, in a fabulous city with a lot to do, and had people around who were willing to indulge my crazy celebrations.

Everything you want out of life will happen in due time. What you want may change, or grow, or do a complete 180...but you just have to enjoy what you have in the moment. SO HARD TO DO, but so worth it:)

...this coming from the girl who spent an entire month celebrating her 30th.

PS not to mention, when you have kids, often times you put their needs ahead of yours...so why not celebrate this birthday as a chance to put yourself first!

ashleynicole @ [real life, real love] said...

What the straight hair! I love it! :)

But I'm sorry that the thing you wanted most for your birthday hasn't happened yet :( I hope your day turned out alright despite that. You're great and you deserve a great day :)

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