20 July 2015

Meeting My Biological Father?!

I promise I haven't forgotten how to blog, I've just been...having a lot of emotions about a lot of different things lately, haha! As you can see from my not-so-subtle title, big things are happening in my life! I've kept my coworkers updated every step of the way and sometimes they say "Uh, your life should be a TV show." and I just say "That's why I have a blog!" So I think I'm ready to share now.

I know next to nothing about the man who I am 50% of. I know that him and my mom had some kind of relationship during December of 1990. She was 16, he was married, and he was in the military so he had to move as soon as, or even before he knew she was pregnant - I have no idea because that's the end of my knowledge. My mom later married the daddy I have now, and I got as good of a father-figure as any little girl could hope for. Thanks to him I've never been bitter about not having a "real dad" around and I never experienced daddy issues - I mean, I've never even had the slightest desire to talk to the other man!

Then a few months ago, yes at 23 freaking years old, my mother gave me a picture of Daniel and some letters he had sent over the years. It felt like I had been hit by a brick wall. This stranger had my nose and seeing it made me feel sick. I had no idea how I was supposed to feel, so naturally I just swept it under the rug and didn't think about it again.
A few months later I really had forgotten about it. Flipping through my junk mail one day, I saw a letter from some company about an account I had with them...obviously spam! But Matthew pointed to the name of the joint owner, and asked "Hey, doesn't this name look familiar?" I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but yeah, the name did sound familiar...then Mattie was like "Wait, what is your biological dad's name?!" Honestly it took me a second, but finally I realized that it was him! How could a spammer possibly link his name and my name together..?

At work the next day I contacted the company and was told about MY account containing a substantial sum that I had no idea about. I know there are so many people who wish for something like this to happen to them but it was just overwhelming. I just brushed it off and told my coworkers that it had to be some kind of mistake because Daniel didn't care about me and he would for sure never give me any money. They didn't buy it. Over the next few weeks I was forced to do a lot of prayerful soul-searching. Was this just guilt money? Would I be okay later in life knowing that I had had one opportunity to talk to Daniel and I never took it? How would I feel at doctors appointments in the future when I was asked about my medical history and sheepishly had to reply that I had NO idea? I had grown up believing he didn't care about me in the slightest but now I had this money that told me the opposite, and it was confusing. Even if he did care, why should I care about him? Knowing that I could be opening a can of worms I knew nothing about, I made up my mind about contacting him.

$20 and a 20 minute search on been verified later...I had Daniel's past ten addresses and phone numbers. I sent a letter. I still felt very uncomfortable about the situation though, and questioned myself the entire time. To be honest, I consider myself quite the daddy's girl, and I felt guilty for reaching out to Daniel. But I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel a connection to him in some small way. What if he's the reason I love mangos, hate barbecue sauce, am wildly independent, and love science?? It's crazy that I had gone my whole life without caring about any of these questions but then all of the sudden I HAD to have them answered. 

... but he never responded to the letter, and I started to feel embarrassed about ever entertaining the thought that he might want to meet me. One day, at three in the afternoon while I was sitting at my desk, I got a call. I stared at the Mississippi area code while my phone rang and rang, knowing exactly who it was and debating on whether or not I should answer. I thought he might scold me for reaching out in the first place, but then I decided that I would just scold him right back because no matter what: I deserved his respect!

I swiped right, ready to tell him this, but on the other line a nervous, excited man answered. We had a 15-minute long conversation and after I hung up my coworkers were freaking out. They had gathered who I was talking to from hearing my side of the conversation, and couldn't believe how calm I had been!

I guess they couldn't tell from my voice that I had a lump in my throat from the moment he had told me that I had two half sisters and that he wanted me to meet them. I also have a lot of cousins that are "my age" in his area who would be interested in meeting me, and his two sisters, younger brother, and mom want to fly down from New York to meet me! How do you even in a situation like that?!

Plans were made and I am officially going to meet them all on the first week of October. I still don't know what exactly I want out of this...I'm a little nervous, and excited too, but I know for sure that I am making the right decision for myself, no matter what happens. All I can do in this life is what feels right in my heart, even if it makes others uncomfortable.

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